baby loss
Baby Loss Awareness Week.

This week (9th – 15th October 2017) is National Baby Loss Awareness Week which is amazing. Baby loss is something that is so hard to deal with, made harder by the fact it just isn’t something that is easy to talk about.

I was really ready for this week, I bought my little footprint pin badge from Kicks Count and I had my Instagram post all planned out. Our miscarriage in January still makes me sad and I’m certain it always will but it does get easier to cope with and to talk about. I feel braver to discuss it now. I felt ready to join other strong and wonderful parents in breaking the silence and addressing baby loss.

But then it happened again. Saturday 30th September 2017. We knew we were expecting this time. I’d been feeling horrendously sick for a week and took a test and there it was. Two pink lines!

Here we go again.

A shock definitely, but we were happy and excited! We liked the idea of Sophia having a younger brother or sister close in age to her. They’d grow up to be best friends!

Our joy lasted exactly one week as I began suffering horrible pains the following Friday evening. By the morning I was bleeding heavily and in a lot of pain. My heart hurt the most. I knew what was happening.
Now, just over one week on and my little family is broken and I’m finding myself in that dark place questioning the world and Mother Nature but worse of all, myself. What did I do? Was it my fault? Could I have done something different?

I’m probably not ready to talk about this, just writing it down I am struggling to see through my tears. However that’s the point isn’t it?

How common is this exactly?

Baby Loss Awareness week exists so that people are aware that this happens. The statistic 1 in 4 is pasted all over Facebook and Instagram. 1 in 4 women lose a child; during pregnancy, birth or soon after. That’s such a scary number. Think about the amount of friends you have.. so consider how many of them have suffered the loss of a baby.
Now imagine if we felt able to talk about it. To reach out and tell people that we lost a child. That we think about the type of parent we could have been, the type of person our child would have been, the type of person they’d have married one day, the job they would have had, what they would have looked like. It’s a heavy weight to bear alone, believe me.

And so here I am. Reaching out and telling you that I have lost two babies and it hurts but it happened and I’m not going to pretend it didn’t. My babies may not be here but they still deserve to have a mummy who is proud of all they could have been! I’m not ok right now but I know I will be.

Baby Magnolia and Baby Jasmine.

I spoke in a previous post about how I needed something physical to touch and have in memory of my first baby and so we bought a Magnolia tree and so we know the baby as Baby Magnolia since we’re unable to give them a name not knowing their gender. This time around we have bought an evergreen Jasmine and so I am also mummy to Baby Jasmine.

If this happens to you or has happened to you I want you to know you’re not alone and you will be ok and you can talk about it – if of course you want to!! Not everyone will and that’s ok too!

I have so much love for so many strong people out there that have been touched by the loss of a child or children.

You guys ROCK! ?

 

#breakthesilence