Today I went to see my GP about maternal mental health.
I have so many half written blog posts but I just had to get this one out of my head and Maternal Mental Health is important so, priorities you know! So, recently my mental health has been slipping and I can feel it spiralling out of control. Usually on my low days I do mindfulness and yoga and I walk and just be outside. I have my mental health toolkit but at the moment I’ve tried all of these tools to keep a grip on things and they’re failing me.
I just don’t know how to help myself right now.
I’ve had to cut my working days from 3 down to 1 because of my anxiety. Initially I had handed my notice in, I’m just lucky that the company I work for are so amazing that they’re supporting me through this and letting me just do the one day (which is against their policies usually).
So I sat there and poured all of this out to her.
Her response? A deadpan glance and “I’ll up your meds to 150mg” That’s it. I said I need more than that, I need talking therapy I think. I was doing CBT and counselling before I moved and I was making progress. I’ve been trying to get a referral in place since I moved to Wales May 2017. Still nothing.
I also told her that I’m even not sure this medication is still right for me. She said she’d give me something else along side it for my “little palpitations” (she was referring to the debilitating panic attacks that have caused me to pass out twice!). She didn’t explain these new meds at all. I don’t know when is best to take them or anything.
But she Trumped all of that.
I really felt like she wasn’t listening to me. At this point I was getting rather upset and was crying. She looked over at me “are you crying?” she said, she looked at me like I was pathetic. She handed me a tissue, again barely looking at me.
My GP then went to take my blood pressure and while the machine did its thing, you know, cutting my circulation off, and while I sat next to her and cried, she started typing on her computer. I looked up at the screen, (I’m nosy by nature) only to be very surprised to find a Google search open about Donald Trump and Theresa May.
Huh? I hear you say..
Well, I assumed it was something she had been looking at earlier and she was waiting for something else to load perhaps. Until she proceeded to scroll through the headlines, she clicked on one and she sat there and read a news article about Donald Trump’s verbal attack on Theresa May! She then sat there, ignoring the fact the blood pressure machine had finished. She ignored the fact she had a vulnerable patient sat next to her, crying.
She then had to repeat my blood pressure because she had taken so long reading said important news, that the machine had gone off. I can honestly say I was shocked and disgusted. I wanted to say something but didn’t feel it was my place to but if I’m honest I wish I had of. You know, something like “are you kidding me? You’re reading the news right now?” (I’m not a sweary person but I’d have been thinking stronger words, don’t you worry!
That was it.
She wrapped up this hugely impactful appointment by telling me to come back in a couple of weeks.
I have never felt so demoralised, unsupported and unimportant before. It’s no wonder mental health issues are slipping through the net when there are GPs like this. How can these sort of things be happening while we have campaigns such as Time to Change and Heads Together. working so hard to shatter the stigma surrounding mental health.
I’m stronger than this.
Right now I’m sat at home feeling a bit broken and quite sad. But I know I’ll be ok. I’m strong and as my husband always says: I have 100% success rate at survival!
But if anyone knows anything about propanalol, hit me up…