How is it Baby Loss Awareness Month again already?
Seriously, where did a year go? It feels like I was just talking about baby loss.
But anyway, here we are. Baby Loss Awareness Month. I wasn’t sure if I was going to write a blog post this time as I feel like I’ve told my story already, obviously I wouldn’t have let the month go by without mentioning it but probably just on Instagram.
However, one year on, my story has changed.
So yesterday marked one year since our second miscarriage; the loss of our third child. Today I came on my period. (I was going to write TMI but if you’re here and you’ve read my posts before, that isn’t TMI, it’s just me, we talk about every thing here!) It seemed like a particularly cruel blow to be really feeling the loss of Baby Jasmine and then Mother Nature handing out a miniature loss of her own; here’s another month your body has failed you! Congratulations! Oh and have some mood swings and serious food cravings too, have fun!
We had friends staying with us on Sunday and I think that made the day easier in general; it meant I was busy and a brave face was needed so I didn’t have much time to just sit and mope, which was definitely a positive. Because I am a moper, that’s for sure. Sometimes it’s necessary: to let yourself think, cry and dwell on things that could have and should have been. Other times it’s best that we just dust ourselves off and carry on and if I’m honest I think I did better carrying on, than if I had have given myself all day to dwell.
Still, Sunday hurt my heart. I wrote a poem which I shared on Instagram, in case you didn’t see it I’ll pop it here:
It’s hard to describe the physical feeling I had. It was like I was very aware of my empty womb; like a physical… gap, emptiness, that just shouldn’t have been there.
Less than welcome lady week
Husband and I are not necessarily trying to conceive; there’s no cycle counting, temperature taking or green days (Glow – if you know, you know), but we’re not taking measures to stop it happening either. We had the conversation after having Sophia (and after I’d recovered of course!), we both agreed that we would like another child and so thought we’d just let nature take its course. But nothing has happened. Sophia is 19 months old, it’s been one year since our Baby J and now just nothing. Each lady week at the moment fills me with a little anxiety; “really, still nothing?”. It feels like my body is failing me.
So this is where I’m at.
Broken. Feeling like a woman that isn’t doing what she should be. Seeing babies everywhere. Looking at my own little miracle baby, that really isn’t a baby any more, and questioning why it isn’t happening again? Putting extra pressure on my body and on my mind. Not the best place to be.
How do I cope with this?
Well for one, stop. Stop with the pressure and the questions, definitely. But also physically stop, take a deep breath and take stock.
- I am whole, not broken, and am damn grateful to be so.
- I’m working towards being in a better place mentally, I’m taking the steps I know will help me and I’m using every thing I have stashed in my Mental Health Toolkit to get me to the other side.
- Sophia; my gorgeous, happy, healthy daughter that I love to the end of the Earth. How lucky am I? And if I’m only supposed to be blessed with one child, gorgeous Sophia, you are more than enough! I will look at that happy face every single day and remind myself of this.
- I’m human. Sounds silly but it’s worth bearing in mind that we’re not machines. We have this idea that we’re supposed to be able to do things like have babies. Well actually, not everyone can and not everyone wants to and it isn’t always the right time. I need to give myself a break! If I were a little tiny bunch of new baby cells, I wouldn’t want to grow in this stressed out, negative mess!
Also yoga, I’m going to get back into yoga… and cake, I’m going to get back into cake – I mean baking! I’m going to bake more because for me baking is therapeutic.
How about this Baby Loss Awareness month we celebrate those fleeting moments we had with babies that were just too precious for this life. This Mumma, Dadda and Sophia are lucky to have two angels watching over us, guiding us to everything that is bright and shiny. I am proud to be a Mumma to all three of my babies, wherever they are, because regardless of their physical presence, my heart is so full of them all, all of the time, that they’re always right here with me.
This brings me back to my title perfectly. Because while it’s ok and so perfectly acceptable to cry, let’s do it with tears of remembrance and celebration. Let’s raise a glass (or a cuppa!) to our babies in the stars, let’s talk about them, share our stories and spread so much love. The baby loss community is so huge, I am here for each and every one of you ♥